Because of You
by writergirl3005
Summary: The longest shadows in her life were caused by her father. Based on Kelly Clarkson's 'Because of You'. Part of my Soundtrack of Life Series. Rewritten fic.


Riza took the tray up to her father's room. He had shut himself up in his room as soon as her mother's funeral was over.

It had been several days since then, and he had yet to come out. He had refused to do anything, and there was nothing that Riza could do that would be of any help. The only thing that she could do was to bring him his meals, hoping that this time, he would eat something.

She set the tray outside the door and knocked. "Father, I have brought you lunch. Please try to eat this time at least. You need to keep your strength up."

There was no answer. Riza sighed and picked up the tray of almost uneaten breakfast that had been placed outside the door. It seemed as if her father had managed to eat half a piece of toast and a few bites of eggs. Well, at least he is eating something, she thought morosely. Riza made her way down the stairs. There was a lot of work to do around the house, and she never had enough time to finish it all.

As she scrubbed the countertop clean, she made a promise that she will never fall in love. It never lasts, and she would lose the man she loved eventually. And what would be left? Nothing but pain and heartbreak.

Why wouldn't her father talk to her? Why can't he comfort her? He wasn't the only one who suffered from her mother's death. But it seemed as if her father only ever saw his own pain. Her pain didn't exist for him.

* * *

After a few weeks, her father started to come out of his room again. But it offered her little comfort. There was a mad frenzy in him that terrified her.

He had been working on a project, but he refused to tell her what it was about. All he would say was that when he succeeded (she noticed he said when and not if - was her father so certain of his success?) everything would be alright again.

"Riza, come here," he called out to her one morning.

She was absolutely terrified, but she went anyway. She stared at the array her father had drawn. It was much more complicated than any array she had ever seen before. She took note of some of the ingredients that were laid out. Water, potassium, carbon, ammonia, silicon, phosphorus, iron, sulphur. A sense of foreboding washed over her. What was her father doing?

"Would you help me Little Bird? I can't finish this without your help."

Riza shivered at his use of her nickname. He hadn't called her Little Bird in years. She so badly wanted to say no, but the crazed look in his eyes made her reconsider. "Of course I'll help father."

"I'll need some blood. Hold out your hand," he said, drawing a knife. Trembling, Riza did as he instructed. He made a small cut on her palm and collected her blood in a dish. He tossed some bandages to her. "Take care of the cut yourself Little Bird. I need to finish this."

Riza ran out of the room as fast as she could.

It was not until much later - once it was all over - did she realise what her father had done. He never told her what he had lost, but her father was always ill and sickly after that. Riza did her best to wipe all the evidence away before calling for a doctor to treat her father.

She kept mum about the incident for years. She only told Roy after their visit to the Elric brothers in Resembool.

* * *

Even though her father now had an apprentice living with them - a boy about her age named Roy Mustang - Riza felt lonelier than ever. Roy would have been a great friend - and she knew how much both of them wanted such a friendship - but her father forbade her from having too much contact with him.

"I will not have you corrupted by the likes of a city boy like him," her father told her once. "Those types are fickle Little Bird, he'll toss you aside once he got what he wanted from you."

He never used her name anymore. Riza wondered if it was because her mother shared the same name, or that he couldn't be bothered to remember her name. But did the reasons matter when it felt like a knife was heart each time she heard the nickname?

She tried her best to keep her distance from Roy (Mr Mustang, she must remember to call him Mr Mustang). She also wanted to hate him, for he got much more attention from her father than she did. Mr Mustang didn't even have to do anything to get the attention she craved so much!

But she felt so alone. And Roy was such a sweet boy. He spent almost all of his free time with her, getting to know her, and telling her about himself, outright ignoring her father's commands that the two of them have as little contact as possible. When he was making so much effort to be kind to her, an effort that he did not need to take, it wasn't surprising that the two of them became friends. And for some time, there was a measure of happiness in her life.

Her father didn't notice. Riza didn't expect him to. He never paid any attention to anything that happened in his daughter's life.

But Roy left one day. The way he put it, it sounded as if he would not be returning. She couldn't blame him. He had come to learn Flame Alchemy, and her father refused to teach him, saying that Roy wasn't ready, even after he had studied for years.

Still, the pain of Roy's departure could never compare to the pain of what her father told her afterwards. "I told you this before Little Bird, boys like him are fickle. I hope you learnt your lesson never to trust someone like that again."

Riza didn't cry (at least not in front of him). She wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

She kept her feelings hidden, and acted as if nothing had happened. Roy's departure hadn't broken her heart. How could you break something that was already broken?

* * *

Her father requested for (demanded) her help once again. There was no way she could say no. And even if she could, she wouldn't. The crazed look in his eyes, a look that she had seen only once before, dissuaded her of the notion. And it might have been pathetic, she craved any attention she got from her father.

But when he told her what he would do, her heart grew cold. Once the secrets of Flame Alchemy were on her back, she would never like a normal life.

She could just picture it. Always being cautious, never allowing anyone to look at her back. She could never get close to anyone, for fear that they might discover the secrets that she carried.

And if the military were to find out about the secrets she carried on her back? What would become of her?

Did he even consider the burden he placed on her? Did he even care that the responsibility he put on her would be too much?

Riza was certain that the answer was no. It seemed that her father only ever cared about his alchemy nowadays.

The tattooing was one of the most painful experiences that she ever had. Slowly, inch by inch, her back was covered in circles, alchemical symbols and text. Her father barely noticed her pain and tears as he condemned her to a life of solitude.

Soon after he finished tattooing the array on her back, he began to get worse. All of her time was divided between taking care of her father and making sure that the house wouldn't fall apart around them.

When the doctor gave him only a few weeks to live at the most, she called the only person whom she thought could help. She told Roy that her father was ill and that he didn't have much time left. She was sure that Roy didn't entirely believe her. After all, her father wasn't that old. But Riza knew. The very light had gone out of him once his research was complete. She wasn't enough for him. It hurt, but it was something that she had known for a long time.

Roy was the one who was with her father as he died. Not her. He had preferred his student's company to his own daughter's.

Roy later told her what her father asked of him. _Look after my daughter._

She snorted. So after all this time, after her father took everything that she had to give, now he chose to care about her? She couldn't muster up any tears for her father's death.

Riza wondered if that made her a bad person.

It hurt her so much that her father's actions could still cast a shadow over her life, so long after his death. Her life was so empty, the only person she could really let into her life was Roy. Everyone else she kept at arm's length. She was too afraid of letting them in.

And the worst part of it was that she was still afraid of her father.


End file.
